Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
