you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
