so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
