i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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