jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
