Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
organizing the empties. That sober.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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