dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
3pm strippers are depressing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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