farters have to be the big spoon...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
