I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
