You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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