OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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