I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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