Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
True strength comes from lack of pants
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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