I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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