i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
