I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
my liver is dry heaving
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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