I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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