At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
