Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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