Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
