I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
