I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
