Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
