since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
A+ Viking dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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