Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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