Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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