every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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