Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
