The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
