Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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