He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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