you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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