when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
