Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
