i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
