Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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