So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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