there's paper in my vomit.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he was CRYING into my vagina
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
