Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
