mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
