Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
