My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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