I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
