there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
