Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
