I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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