Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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