don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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