Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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