how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
