FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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