one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
