I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
