She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my liver is dry heaving
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
