Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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