I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
