Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
