I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
