I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
