You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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