Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
