And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
